Broken

Some times, I wish I could lie. I wish my eyes could lie. Just to look into some people's eyes and say, I am perfectly fine. Just to say I am too strong to be weak. Just to pretend to be happy. Just to act as if it is not hurting. Just to show that I can still be on my feet.

Too many times, until I have lost count. I never get to know why, what and how. Maybe ignorance in this case is a bliss. Maybe its not what I think. Maybe its a misunderstanding. Maybe, maybe and maybe. So many maybes. Just so I can find a reason to press on and live. All the excuses I find for you, are just gifts I gave to myself. Nicely wrapped up, because you can't be bothered to even lie to me. I don't know since when I have become like this. I became so vulnerable. I've actually dumb myself.

I am not asking for the truth. I am just hoping... hoping for a lie from you. At least some thing for me believe in, at least a reason for me to let it by. 

In the past, they said I was harsh, they said I was too cold. They asked why my feelings are so enclosed? I never know why, I just can't feel another's sincerity. I don't believe them easily. My guards are so high up, I let no one close enough to mess me. But years later, after all that happened, things have changed. I became so gullible and naive. I let my guards down. I open up my feelings. And all I get is reality, charging at me. Mocking me for being such a fool.

There is really nights I just curl up in my bed and weep so hard. I just hate myself for being me. I just wish I wasn't me. No one ever knows what these thoughts did to me. I cannot understand, people says I am pretty, says that I am a bright girl. But insecurities are all I am feeling. They eat me up so slowly, that I can feel every inch of it.

Some days, I feel myself fading away. Some times I just want to be alone. Because I don't know who is reliable. Who I can really count on? And because of that, I will tell myself...I guess I am meant to be alone, its true that not everyone can have another half. No matter how envious I am, how much I wish I could have another half to do things for, to talk with me, cuddle in bed, to receive surprises from me, to cook and bake together, go to places I've never been, go to uss with me, hug me when I cry, kiss my pain away, and never leave me alone. That's just a yearning of any typical girl. 

And its such a sight to see really loving couples. I really pray for everlasting love within them. But at the same time, I can't help to feel not good enough. No one ever came by to make me feel worthy. Yes, they came by. Told me I am worthy, but treated me like I am not, and then left. So I am left to feel dumb about myself over and over again. Cool, life being life. I'm trying, really trying to live and let live. Now, before all this thoughts destroy me completely, I guess I better get to bed, x.